HOW NOT TO RUN A MINI-TRIATHLON (but still finish anyway)

Here's a list of things you might not want to try:

1. Just train for the 1/4 mile swim a month in advance. Yeah, 1/4 mile doesn't sound hard. Now try swimming it. 

2. Wear a beach bathing suit for the swim (with pockets!) for the event instead of the slicker Star-Trek looking shorts.

3. Use Dad's 10 year old mountain bike which is meant for more rugged terrain but not so much for this kind of race.

4. Get to the hotel fairly late the night before the event. Don't worry about that "get a good night's sleep" stuff. In fact, watch this week's (awesome) episode of 30 Days where the hunter dude has to live with PETA activists for a month. (It was on again two nights later.) 

5. Don't worry about nutrition! Just have a salad the night before and half a protein bar the morning of! 

6. Use your not-totally aerodynamic iPod for the run.

Yep, I did 'em all. And yet, I finished. It felt great. It did feel weird to be around all these people who were dead serious about the thing - they had all the most advanced gear, knew all the nutrition stuff, etc. Like I was at a Star Trek convention and I'd seen, y'know, a few episodes of the show. 

I do wish I'd prepared for more than a month for the swim. I've heard about "the wall" - what marathon runners, triathletes, etc., "hit" when they can't go any more. That happened to me maybe 100 yards into the swim. A writer friend of mine who has done actual triathlons (not minis) told me that when he did his first one, he kind of froze up during the swim. I figured, I'll be careful not to let that happen, fully realizing that I couldn't prevent it from happening if it was going to happen. It happened. I remember having to swim a mile for my SCUBA certification, but that was over 10 years ago, and it was in a pool. Anyway: we started the swim in waves: first men 25-35, then men 35-45, then women 25-35, then women 35-45. Many women passed me. I didn't mind that, other than the fact that I had a 3 or 6 minute head start on all of them. I don't know how I got through that swim, but when I did, I was exhausted and a bit disappointed in myself. I knew my wife and my parents (yes, they came to watch) were probably worrying about where I was. 

I ran to the bike rack, and barely dried off. I downed almost a whole bottle of a sports drink (it has the electrolytes that my body craves!) and then put a piece of a protein bar into my mouth. It was like my body forgot what to do with food. It took me a while to get it down. Off I went on my old-school bike. This was one part that I was well-prepared for. Still, it seemed like anyone who didn't pass me in the water was now zipping by me on bicycle. Older men and women (over 45s were the last wave to start), it was like a comedy. At one point, a much older, much heavier women whizzed by me. "Passing on your left!" I felt like I was in a Mike Myers film. At one point, I didn't see any riders in front of or behind me. I know I'd said, "I don't care if I finish last, as long as I finish." But I knew I didn't actually want to finish last. Towards the end of the ride, I did pass one or two people. 

Here's one advantage I had: since I didn't have one of those slick bicycles where you "clip" your feet to the pedals, I didn't have to change my sneakers afterwards! I did, however, grab my iPod with my totally rocking running mix. Downed another sports drink and off I went. I was a bit surprised to note that only one other person (who I saw) had earphones. That's one rule I didn't mind bucking. That mix totally got me through the run. Not only through it, but I did it pretty quickly. I mean, when you hear Social Distortion's "Reach For The Sky," you don't slow down, when you hear Bruce Springsteen's "No Surrender" you don't quit and when Public Enemy do "Harder Than You Think" (recorded last year, both members around 50 and still awe-inspiringly great) it ain't the time to stop and walk. In fact, I didn't stop for the entire run (I saw many walking and some were even sitting) and I passed a lot of people, many who I remembered passing me earlier. Yes, even "Passing on your left!" In fact, I only made it through half the mix (in the middle of The Clash's "London Calling") and I was done (pictured, the photo was taken by my lovely wife).

My good friend told me that as soon as I crossed the finish line, I'd be trying to figure out when the next race is. He also promised me I'd actually finish. Well, he was right about the second part, but I don't know that I'll be doing another 'athalon anytime soon. I'm pretty sure I won't "upgrade" to a regular triathlon. It takes a lot of time to train and I don't think I have that much extra time. I may do another mini at some point. If I do, I'll prepare a little more carefully. I'll work more on my swimming, I might even get those Star Trek shorts. I don't know that I'll invest in a new bicycle. But I will be more careful about what I eat, and I'll get a good night's sleep. Oh, yeah, the iPod stays. Maybe I'll even get around to the second half of my "running mix."